I had two goals last week:
1.) Continue keeping Food Sheets and
2.) Don't eat out so much.
In addition, I had an admonition from Richard that I should not eat pizza or Chinese, and I needed to exercise every day. He was right.
It's been a difficult week. I had no problem in eating in; I declared myself early to Eric & he only asked me out once. (I wish I had accepted... we would have had seafood and I want to see the Turtle Pond at the Calabasas Commons.)
The problem was Food Sheets. I kept them without issue for the first part of the week, then come around Day 12, just like the other false starts I had this year, I suddenly didn't want to do them. I went a whole day (I think it was Wednesday) without filling them in, then tried to remember and capture everything I ate late in the evening. In despair, I first posted in Richard's Clubhouse on the Royally Back on Track Boards about it, and then sent Richard an e-mail which I also posted in the Clubhouse.
Richard was kind. He advised me to keep doing the sheets (which I did, even though I felt like a rusty gear getting things down), and also, because I had mentioned to him that I hurt my back, forgave me for not going to exercise on Tuesday and Wednesday. He also wanted to be sure that I knew despite the small weight gain, I was still a success.
I responded in the affirmative. I AM a success. Look at my total numbers, and if I keep working the issue now, I'll be back down to my preferred number for sure. But do I really feel like I'm a success?
If you just look at weight on the scale, yes I am. But the trouble is, I've never used just "the number" as my guideline. When I was losing weight, I always said (and I believe it too), that my true gauge of how I was doing was how well I was staying on program, and if I was keeping with the program, the numbers would follow. That belief always kept me going during those occasional times when I would plateau or, about once every 5 or 6 weeks, have a 2 pound weight gain that was certainly water and would come of plus more the following week.
What spurred me into finally really addressing the fact that I've gained more than "a little weight" was my dishonesty in class six weeks ago. The moment I was not honest with myself and/or everyone else, I became a failure. At least in my mind.
I addressed the issue by e-mailing Richard as soon as I got home, and we've been working on it together ever since then. But my numbers really haven't changed much, and I'm struggling with food sheets, and I have the feeling that the reason I don't want to keep the food sheets again is that I want to break from program.
IF I STOP KEEPING FOOD SHEETS, I AM INHERENTLY DISHONEST. Not writing it down doesn't mean that I didn't eat what I ate. It's just like getting on the scale. I get on every day no matter what. I weigh what I weigh whether I get on the scale or not, and I don't see any purpose in deceiving myself or not acknowledging the issue.
* * * *
I had a conversation on Friday night with a dear friend for who I would lay down my life if the occasion rose that she needed it. I came away from the conversation very sad, though. She is fighting the battle of lifestyle and weight valiantly, and I admire her for it. I truly believe that she is doing everything right so that long-term, she will get to where she belongs with her weight again. But I feel like the easy comradary that we used to have is gone. Where we used to be able to talk about anything and everything, I feel like the divergence of our weight paths has come between us.
I don't know... maybe it's my imagination. I admit to feeling somewhat down while writing this post, and that's coloring my perception. All the same, we were discussing whether or not weight gain changes us. Her position is that it does not. We're still the same people. But I don't know.
As I was losing weight, I became a vastly different person. I became outgoing, engaging, social. I was willing to take risks, I learned to look people in the eye and smile. I learned how to flirt; I learned the value of make-up and hair and dressing in a certain way not only to attract attention, but to manipulate situations in my favor. I became honest with myself, and therefore with the world.
At my heaviest, I thought I was a truthful person and would fight anyone to death who declared me otherwise, but in reality, I was a very deceptive, manipulative, and dishonest woman.
If our personalities and perception of the world change as we lose weight, wouldn't the same be true if we gained? I know what shocked me into starting my journey all over again was one small lie... not even intentional, but the ripples of that one answer have effected everything.
* * * * *
As I planned it last week, I would keep my eating out down to a minimum this week, keep my food sheets, and add another goal to my tasks for this week. I've changed my mind. I think I'm struggling hard enough with just keeping food sheets and am not prepared to do more yet. So my goals for this week are:
1.) Keep Food Sheets. Period. End of story.
2.) Keep eating out to a minimum.
Eric & I have a real date on Friday; an overnight date that will extend through Saturday at a seminar that we are taking together. I plan that we will eat out on Friday night, and will likely eat lunch with the gang at the seminar on Saturday. I will make our breakfast for us at home before we leave, and I will make dinner; either for myself or both of us, after we are done. Other than that, I will try not to eat out, not to go places that serve samples in big quantities (like Costco) during the hours that they are serving, and keep on course as I did this week. Just looking at what I am eating, and while not actively changing my choices, highlighting where I could have done better.
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