Double Click on Food Sheets to Enlarge.It has been a very stressful week. I lost my poor Cosmos after such a brave battle to stay with me. A good friend had major knee surgery (I worried, even though I know that it was a good decision and he will be more than fine). Eric's mother was admitted into ICU in critical condition with an abdominal bleed; she is 87 and for a day or two, nobody knew if she was going to live or not (she's apparently going to recover just fine from this incident). My Cimzia shot was last Tuesday and this time, the side effects - which vary - were fierce. Eric's divorce trial was scheduled for yesterday; at the last minute it was delayed for another six weeks. And my Crohns Disease is flaring something awful. I am plugged up and in constant pain; I can feel the food that is not digesting like a hard lump in my stomach and can't even bend over without causing further pressure and pain. Additionally, I think that my Rheumatoid Arthritis may be in play, if the incredibly severe joint pains that I am experiencing are not Crohns induced. I'd be surprised if it's not a RA flare... I'm experiencing pain in joints that are not usually involved in Crohns.
Because of how I am feeling physically, my exercise has been curtailed drastically. I missed several exercise classes this week, and when I went, I was unable to participate in any meaningful way. Instead, I was even reduced at times, again, to going to Slimmons but ended up laying in the dressing room instead of moving.
Additionally, my Adderall prescription ran out and as usual, the doctor's office that handles the prescription gave me grief. The girl that runs the front office is a bitch, and takes delight in power plays, no question about it. She purposely does not return calls, and delays filling the prescription until just after it runs out so that I have to scramble and often miss a pill.
I did not keep consistent food records this week. I lost it right after Cosmos which I consider acceptable; there was another day that I also did not do well. However, unlike previous efforts, I did get back to them quickly. I'm feeling more committed to them than before, and have made more alterations to my eating patterns again this week. I have had several meals now that featured steamed vegetables, and my refrigerator has many more available. I will continue to keep the sheets and tailor my choices until I get back to eating where I belong.
Eric is putting me to shame in the food department (He's been on program for 6 weeks now) , and that is weighing on my mind too. I LOVE that he is focused on what he is eating, and is receiving the support that he so richly deserves from his man-group. He is turning in his food journals in to them on a daily basis, and they are giving him positive feedback pretty-much immediately. He has lost over 20 pounds already, and is going strong. It's not that I don't want him to succeed... OF COURSE I DO! It just kills me that he is suddenly able to do all the things that I did in the past, and I find it such an effort to do them. I want us BOTH to be able to do them together.
For example, I no longer seem to be able to pass goodies by in public forums. Eric was very proud of himself this week - rightfully so - at not partaking of the cookies at the Honda Dealership. (I didn't go in, so I didn't eat them.) We talked about it. I remembered that I used to have a policy by which I decided whether or not a given treat was worth it. Basically, if passing up the treat would be something that might bother me a week out, I would eat it. That gave me permission to eat the cake at a birthday party, for example. But if it was something that wouldn't matter in 7 days, I'd pass. This was something I had forgotten about before the conversation with Eric. The conversation was a good thing, as it put another piece of the puzzle back into place. I just don't know what's wrong with me that I forgot it in the first place!
"Practice Patience" Not only is this something that Richard preaches, but it was "my" step in Love Yourself and Win. Actually, as frustrated as I feel at this very moment, I think that overall I am being patient with myself as I figure out what behaviors I abandoned and am trying to pick back up. I've succeeded at the following:
1.) Generally keeping food journals. It's still a struggle, but not quite as hard as at the beginning, and when I stray, I'm coming back to them a bit quicker.
2.) Being more aware of what I am eating. I highlight on my own what could have been done better, and am thinking about ways to improve.
3.) Bringing more vegetables into my home. This is an issue, though, as vegetables make my Crohns worse during a flare. But right now, I need to continue and see if this flare is momentary and stress related or harbors something more insidious.
4.) Thinking about what I used to do to be successful, remembering attitudes and tips and implementing them.
5.) Keeping the dialogue open. Now that I have people who are finally willing to discuss my issue with me again, I must keep it in the forefront.
6.) I gave away all the high-calorie, high-fat foods that I had in place for Cosmos. They were gone on Wednesday night, and I didn't put any of them out and eat them since his death.
My goals for this week are:
1.) Keep a full set of food journals.
2.) Exercise to the best of my ability.
3.) Take Sunny for daily walks.
4.) Prepare at least 4 meals in advance, via crock pot cooking (thanks Richard, for today's MOD.... I'm about to put something in the pot right now!) or baking, or grilling chicken for use in salad, or preparing vegetables for future use.
5.) Emphasis on passing by sample treats in markets and Costco. Remember that if passing them won't be on my mind in a week, they're not worth eating. (Thank you Eric, for helping me remember this.)
6.) No more dried fruit as part of my daily snack pack. Dried Fruit is for use in recipes only.
See, I AM doing better, even as my weight does not reflect it and I don't feel it. This is the longest list of goals since starting this blog. I don't think any of them are unreasonable in expectation either.
Last week was so horrible that this week just has to be better. It will be in the food/weight department too.
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